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COLUMNISTS
TODAY'S STORIES
09.10.2008
Why Men Cheat

In the interest of a mental health break, let's take a brief gawk at what may be the only public drama meaner and muddier than the McCain campaign: The Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce. 

The latest installment is Cook's ill-advised interview with Barbara Walter's in which he explained why he cheated on his supermodel wife with an 18-year-old. Bottom line: he wanted "acknowledgement," "attention," and a "thank you" for all he was doing for his family. (Presumably he was not referring to his $3,000-a-month internet porn habit.)

Cook is taking much abuse for his whining. In this CNN segment that caught my eye, the two guys and one gal discussing his interview expressed an inability to even comprehend his excuse. If nothing else, they reasoned, Brinkley's extraordinary hotness should have kept Cook faithful. 

Sadly, I don't see Cook's excuse as odd at all. The man was married to a beautiful, famous woman who likely didn't treat him like the center of the universe and whose fame and wealth made him feel insecure. So he went looking for a younger, more adoring consort who would make him feel special. In this way, Cook strikes me as all too similar to the countless DC husbands perpetually on the make, more than a few of whom eventually dump their wives for some pretty, ass-kissing young lobbyist or Hill staffer. 

Make all the raunchy observations about men's sex drive that you want. What men crave almost as much as sex is attention. They need to feel important. They need to feel appreciated. They need to feel worshipped. Hell, who doesn't? We all want to be special. But somewhere through the milennia, men became accustomed to such treatment. And these days, when the daily stress and grind of marriage leads couples to no longer gaze adoringly at one another every minute of the day, the men often seem to take it harder. When that happens, some feel entitled and/or sorry enough for themselves and go looking for a little....consolation.

The phenomenon is so common it's a cliche--not to mention a stellar money-making opportunity for folks like Laura Schlessinger, the right-wing traditional-values scold who has made a fortune advising women on how to keep their men happy by giving them just a little more sex and a little more adoration. As she noted in this author interview, the key to a good marriage all boils down to showing your man more of the "Three A's: appreciation, approval, and affection."

So, yeah, the details of Cook's betrayal may be more colorful than average, but the motivation behind the betrayal is hardly unusual. No matter how pretty Brinkley is--in fact, perhaps because of how pretty she is--she didn't make poor Peter feel important enough. That was something he just couldn't handle. Which definitely makes him a loser, but, alas, doesn't make him remotely unusual.

--Michelle Cottle



Posted: Thursday, October 09, 2008 2:01 PM with 33 comment(s)

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icarusr said:

"he explained why he cheated on his supermodel wife with an 18-year-old".

This needed an explanation other than, "she was 18 and available"?

P.s. Nitpicking but Walters not Walter's.

October 9, 2008 2:23 PM

jamie322 said:

"Make all the raunchy observations about men's sex drive that you want. What men crave almost as much as sex is attention."

Sorry, but this is too dismissive of the reality that some guys just like some strange.  It's not about sex drive, per se, but rather variety.  If the guy was spending $3,000 (!) per month on porn, he wasn't looking for attention.  He was just looking for something new.

October 9, 2008 2:58 PM

blackton said:

Nice theory, but as a full blooded pig of a man when I see all of the pretty young co-eds in my campus I don't think about how they will give me "attention" or "consolation" Men are hardwired to want young women in their child bearing years and to want to have as many as possible, it is only by my using my more intelligent organ have I come to the simple realization that I need not be a selfish, sex driven animal and choose to remain to be faithful to my wife, even though she has just had a baby and for all intents and purposes have to live an utterly chaste life.

As to Cindy, you forget that old joke, a beautiful woman walks into a single bar and one guy said to another, how could such a woman be single, and the other guy says "somewhere some guy just got tired of her."

And the key, for my marriage anyhow, is not to look for the 3 A's, I am not an infant. The key to a good marriage is love and respect. I respect my wife too much to act selfishly, and I respect my students and my position way too much to even remotely consider acting on any wayward desires.

October 9, 2008 3:01 PM

ratnerstar said:

What Peter Cook (incidentally, who is Peter Cook?) really needs is a little out-of-the-box thinking.  Only a man with closed mind tries to choose between his supermodel wife and a fresh young 18 year old; original and independent thinkers reject the false dichotomy and have a threesome.  

Become the ruling body, dude.

October 9, 2008 3:04 PM

maybe said:

Actually, in some ways, this sounds quite a lot like John McCain....

October 9, 2008 3:50 PM

aeromonas said:

Icarusr said, no explanation other than that she was 18 and available.  Too true.

Michelle, ladies, when you're digging too deep in your search for explanations as to why men cheat.  There is hardly a married man out there who on some level wouldn't like to nail a hot 18 year old if there was no downside.  Looking for explanations on the upside is silly.  If a guy actually acts on these urges, it's because the barriers to transgression, in his case, aren't high enough.

October 9, 2008 4:48 PM

williamyard said:

Many folks think monogamy is a given. I think it's stupid.

If it happens as a result of two people eternally satisfying all of each other's needs, swell. If it's imposed from the outside as some sort of ludicrous requirement for a successful relationship, at least one of the two people will suffer unnecessarily.

If I sleep with someone outside my primary relationship, I'm not disrespecting anyone. Likewise if my significant other is sleeping around. I would argue, rather, that if I *objected* to her sleeping with someone she wanted to I would be revealing my own insecurities and failings, not finding some of hers. (Both I and my current S.O. have slept with others since we got together and, if anything, it's strengthened our relationship. For one thing, we both learned a bit about how to be better lovers to each other.)

I don't need monogamy to be a man, to feel good about myself, to love or respect my mate, to avoid being hurt or to keep from hurting someone, or to have a happy relationship. Monogamy's so-called inherent value is a myth, pure and simple.

A corollary is that someone who stays in a relationship when his partner is vindictive, petty, mean, demeaning, and otherwise a real piece of art isn't being virtuous. He's being masochistic.

Been there, done that.

October 9, 2008 6:41 PM

TLaBorn said:

There is so much to disagree with in this article I am having a hard time holding my anger so I will say just this.

Cheaters = Liars which are the lowest scum on earth.  Both genders do it far to often so please don't make excuses for any of them.

October 9, 2008 8:01 PM

blackton said:

Yard, if I could only convince my wife of that but she won't buy it. For whatever reason I know if I cheated and she found out, it would crush her.

October 9, 2008 8:18 PM

benbo451 said:

icarusr and aeromonas are exactly right. What's fascinating is how women (like Ms Cottle) so want to believe in a complicated psychological explanation for male sexual behavior. They project their own obsessing onto men. It's too painful for them to accept that youth and variety are in and of themselves very attractive to men (while not so much to women) and that men don't give a shit about things like confidence, social and occupational success, and sense of humor that are so important to women. If they accept this, they are accepting that they are destined for 30-40 years or so of being unattractive, while we men, if successful and confident, can be quite attractive into our 60's. Men with any desire to get laid generally won't say these things to women's faces - fortunately the anonymity of the internet gives us the opportunity to educate them.

October 9, 2008 8:30 PM

CRS9TNR said:

While Mr. Cook certainly has his issues, why is Christie Brinkley divorced 4 times?

I think that's the story.

October 9, 2008 10:28 PM

satyendra said:

CRS9TNR, of course. This was a celebrity marriage, with the usual profligacy on both sides.  Cook didn't just cheat on her and try to cover it up, he had something like a sex addiction.  And I assume that Christie Brinkley has some issues that keep sending her to the arms of louts like Cook, or at least cause her not to tell who's compatible with her.

October 9, 2008 11:00 PM

jobeek2 said:

"There is hardly a married man out there who on some level wouldn't like to nail a hot 18 year old if there was no downside."

Yep - well, 18's a bit young, make it 24 and yep. Or "a hot 36 year old" for that matter.

I dont do it because (um, the question of opportunities aside) I love my girlfriend and it would hurt her. Simple as that. So I dont do it. Also some self-interest involved: I wouldnt want her to cheat either, I'd be just as hurt. But would I, if there were, in some parallel reality, no such downsides? Course I would.

Sure, the confirmation of ego (to just summarise most of those 3 A's that way) can be a driver for temptation in some circumstances. But bottom line? There's a lot of hot women out there. Every day I see a dozen whom I would, were some parallel reality to exist where cheating did not hurt anyone (and were they willing, of course), gladly spend the night with. Just cause I could, and it's fun to sleep with any pretty, sassy woman.

And to be honest, despite all the hackneyed talk about "the nature of men" and the like, I dont think this is really any different for most women, in their heart of hearts. Would your average thirty- or fourty-year old woman take the occasional opportunity, if it were somehow, in some hypothetical parallel dimension, possible to cheat and never hurt anyone, to roll in the hay with some of the handsome men they meet? Hell yeah. Just because.

October 10, 2008 1:51 AM

aeromonas said:

This thread's probably dead but in case it's not, how is it even possible to spend three grand a month on internet porn?  Is there some kind of ultra-premium, one-of-a-kind, mind-blowing, porn-for-plutocrats out there that I don't know about?  Or does Cook simply chuck his credit card number at every piece of porno spam that lands in his inbox?  Maybe he's of the mind that if access to a couple thousand videotaped sex acts is good, access to a million videotaped sex acts is better.

October 10, 2008 8:12 AM

icarusr said:

CRS: you kill me man.  

The man is caught fucking an 18-yo, and you think that the story is why the wife is divorced four times?  No wonder there are people who think Ayers is relevant even in the middle of an economic meltdown.  Wow.  Failure to focus, what?

October 10, 2008 9:30 AM

rysdale said:

Bill Maher put it very well:

"It's not youth or beauty or anything like that. It's about old vs. new. Hugh Grant had Elizabeth Hurley at home, and he goes out and gets Marvin Hagler in drag."

Or, as he also put it,

"All marriages are same-sex marriages. You get home, and it's the same sex."

Unfortunately, for the Beautiful In-People like Michelle Cottle, Laura Schlessinger has it right. Men will cheat usually because they feel bored and unappreciated. Cottle doesn't like this, because Dr. Laura is one of those people that We Don't Like If We're Liberal Intellectuals. But she's right: if you give your spouse attention, affection and approval, you'll stay married (this applies both ways, but is especially true for women - let's face it, women are far more worried about being dumped than men are). I'm not saying that men won't cheat, but we're dealing with likelihoods here - most guys I know who have catted around have bad relationships with their wives. Some don't, they're just pigs, whattya gonna do. And some marriages just don't work, for about a gazillion different reasons. But there it is.

This isn't new, either, it's right out of Dale Carnegie. It's about dealing with people.

October 10, 2008 9:31 AM

satyendra said:

"Would your average thirty- or fourty-year old woman take the occasional opportunity, if it were somehow, in some hypothetical parallel dimension, possible to cheat and never hurt anyone, to roll in the hay with some of the handsome men they meet? Hell yeah. Just because."

jobeek2, that's true. My husband and I have openly discussed how we're married, not dead, and I'll tell him about the occasional gorgeous men I've discreetly stared at, or even point out his type when we're out together.  In small doses those discussions are actually kind of fun.  Living out this fantasy wouldn't be so fun, though, because then you'd have to worry about disease, and evening the score if your mate strayed.

October 10, 2008 10:24 AM

singlespeed said:

Ironically I've noticed that the tired cliche that Michelle tongue-clucks about some middle-aged married guy going out and finding a piece of young(er) tail is also applicable to women who date old(er) men. Guys date down for the younger, nubile woman who looks at him and adores him as the Man. Reversal of this is when a younger woman dates or marries an older man for the stability and admittedly assured reality that his 'sex' drive will be counter-balanced by his wallet's thickness and the number of speeds on the stick shift of his sports car.

I'm with Yard on this one. Monogamy is purely a social construct of humanity's fragile ego. That being said there's nothing wrong with being promiscuous if you're not planning on raising a family or marrying. There's also nothing wrong with someone wanting to be monogamous as well. It all comes down to choice. But don't mistake that statement for the condoning of marital infidelity. Usually at that point, the state of the marriage is far beyond the state of the 3 A's. In reality everyone should follow Dan Savage's advice to be GGG. Good, Giving and Game. Plus Dan's 'Savage Love' column is FAR more relevant to the 20th & 21st Century relationship.

Speaking from experience, one can reach a point in a marriage / LTR and realize that despite all the differences or issues that you thought you could work through with time are never going to resolve themselves you can either resign yourself to a lifetime of misery or take whatever actions to make yourself happier. Thankfully when my ex and I split, we had no children to complicate issues. It was simply an acceptance that neither of us were happy nor could we make the other happy without making ourselves unhappy. We both exited the relationship on equal footing and stepped into new relationships that...two years later have us both happy. She married the guy she met (and he's a decade older than she it) and I'm dating a younger woman who is 10 years my junior. Whether I get married or not again will be determined by my desire to have children someday before I'm too old to pick them up or have to use a wheelchair to see them graduate from high school.

So in the world of karma we created balance in the tumultuous world of relationships.

October 10, 2008 12:38 PM

satyendra said:

"...younger woman dates or marries an older man for the stability and admittedly assured reality that his 'sex' drive will be counter-balanced by his wallet's thickness and the number of speeds on the stick shift of his sports car." Singlespeed, LOL. I've stated on another thread that I'd really like to drive a 525i six-speed right now.  For the record I'd be a virgin at six-speeds in general.

Some unsolicited advice, if you're thinking about kids, don't delay (provided you're otherwise reasonably stable).  My husband and I are in our 30s, have a comparatively easy year-old, and even there feel old when picking her up, providing the constant entertainment and affection she needs, etc.

October 10, 2008 1:18 PM

sleepyavl said:

TLaBorn is really funny. Just read his post. The man is bonkers.

October 10, 2008 2:06 PM

sleepyavl said:

Michelle Cottle, your post is once again from the gut, as you rarely seem to use your brain anymore. You had one - it was obvious two year go, but now? You're a joke. You're almost as bad as Sacha Zimmerman, another pop culture addict.

This time, your pop culture psychology contains quite a bit of hatred for men. in reality, women aren't any better than men when it comes to cheating. Yet you come with this bullshit about how men lord it over the females now. Oh, they don't now now anymore. Well, then the "millennia" when they did explains it all.

In terms of cheating, women do it just as much. But we don't hear about it from you. You're not against cheating - you're only against cheating by men. Oh yes, we're not going to chastise the women for that. No no no. Hey, they're taking their historical revenge for those millennia when they're fucking around. Oh yeah!  You go girls.

You're just a regular hater, a sexist - a misandrist in particular.

October 10, 2008 2:15 PM

Sirhc said:

I eagerly await your "Why Women Are Golddigers" column, with appropriate references to a primal urge to ensure that their offspring have food.  

Maybe men cheat because women let them? Seriously, I either know of or hear about younger women approaching married men all the time.   Conversely, I don't think many 20 year old men are cruising for older married women.      Even in the Graduate Dustin Hoffman ends up with the daughter, right?

October 10, 2008 2:23 PM

Sirhc said:

Actually, monogamy because many men didn't procreate when there were a few guys taking up with all the women.  

Since, historically, there are fewer super catches, there weren't enough of them to hold off all of the normal men who wanted some kids too.   Better to share the women and enforce monogamy than to be killed.  

October 10, 2008 2:29 PM

celibedache said:

Shocking that this post would generate a lively comment thread.

I'd be really curious to know the ages of people who have posted here.  As a twenty-six-year old man whose dating life is nonexistent despite the fact that he's successful, attractive, smart, etc., I just want to clarify one thing: women my age are ever bit as singlemindedly focused on looks as those no-good men who populate finger-wagging posts like Michelle's.  The fact that I'm not six feet tall and drop-dead handsome seems to put me out of the running with many women, in spite of everything else I have to offer---you know, all those things they supposedly care about.  In this context, complaints like Michelle's (which you hear from smart, liberal women all the time) are a bit rich.

The bottom ninety percent of men, lookswise, now feel exactly the way the bottom ninety percent of women have felt for centuries.  Fair's fair enough, I guess, although it would have been nice if the social changes of the last couple of decades had made us all deeper rather than shallower.

October 10, 2008 2:41 PM

satyendra said:

Ms. Cottle has written off and on about domestic subjects for years.  Based on the above comments, these topics are perhaps of more interest to women, including whether or not women pursue married gold.  These postings could be called "Michelle's Corner."

October 10, 2008 3:01 PM

The Ignorant Populist said:

Great thread.

Amen to that William.

October 10, 2008 3:23 PM

sleepyavl said:

Listen celibedache, if the women are not attracted to you, you are NOT ATTRACTIVE, by definition.

That is, no matter what your mother or sister say.

My guess is that the women you want are model-like. Those indeed go for good-looking men themselves, as you pointed out (and/or for rich ones, I would add). I presume you are not rich, otherwise you would have found one of those bimbos you crave. The reality is that dating, like most other things, is market-driven. You might very bright and a really nice guy (not being nice would help you - most likely that would actually hurt you), but that's not enough - that is, for the type of women you aim for. This is called assortative mating and there's good evidence that is exactly what happens in humans - romantic notions aside, people mate with people of similar romantic market value.

If you want the bimbos so badly, there are avenues for that, all of which require that you should increase your romantic market value. (Whether that is a worthwhile endeavor, it is not for me to say.) You might hit the gym. Or you might make a lot of money. Or you might start a porn magazine - just look at Hugh Hefner. Or you might enter in politics - think of Henry Kissinger, the fat shmuck who scored plenty of bimbos and cogently pointed out power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Whatever you do, stop complaining. Complaining that people date at the level of their romantic market value is about as effective as compaining about gravity.

I would live to be nicer or more reassuring, but I believe in using rational thinking for solving problems.

October 10, 2008 4:38 PM

cspencef said:

The only foolery going on here is the assertion that men (or women) are so universally monolithic that any one cause is sufficient to explain all dalliances.  Humanity is truly, folks, a can of mixed nuts, otherwise every single male's affair would involve a curvy 18-yr-old blonde.  Oddly enough, that's not the case.  Temptation is a polymorphous thing.

October 10, 2008 5:50 PM

satyendra said:

Sleepavl, "people mate with people of similar romantic market value."  Shh, don't tell my husband, he's been rooked.

celibedache, I can only infer that "The fact that I'm not six feet tall" is longhand for "I'm short." The only advice I can offer as a woman is never exaggerate your height.  I think the stereotype is true that men tend to exaggerate their height by 2" while women have already lost those10 lbs.  This one dude who was 2" shorter than I gave a figure that was 2" taller.  Exaggerating 4" was just pathetic.

October 10, 2008 10:26 PM

celibedache said:

Sleepyavl:

If it weren't for your earlier post, I would assume that you're a dumpy woman, what with your assumption that all men want to date "models" and your (consoling, it would be) idea that most beautiful women are stupid and shallow.  That said, your rant at Michelle and your teenage sarcasm give you away as a man, so perhaps you're just in a relationship with a dumpy woman, in which case it seems that her indoctrination of you proceeds apace.

As to the substance, such as it is, of what you wrote, assortative mating (I'm familiar with both the term and the concept, but thanks for the lecture) doesn't explain the phenomenon I had in mind, which is that women who are attractive but by no means stunning seem to feel entitled to date stunning men.  Rather than assortative mating, I'd chalk this up to ideology (you objectified us for thousands of years, so right back atcha, guys!) and self-delusion (I'm just like Sarah Jessica Parker!  No, no you're not).

All that said, you did manage to make one good point, albeit not in the way that you intended: Many of the women in question here really aren't worth anyone's time.  So you were, after all, reassuring, although you certainly weren't nice.

Finally, since we seem to be giving each other tips here, I've got one for you: nobody, of either gender, likes a pompous ass.

October 11, 2008 12:28 PM

satyendra said:

Celibedache, at 26 you're probably old enough to remember that one hit the band Vertical Horizon produced back in 2000.  I don't know the name of the song, but the lyrics go something like "I'm everything she wants...but I mean nothing to her and I don't know why."

For the record I didn't ask shorty for his height, he just happened to volunteer it during a casual conversation.

October 11, 2008 1:06 PM

celibedache said:

Satyendra, for the record, I'm of average height for a guy.  No more, no less, and I'm being honest about that.  My point, in a nutshell, was that that, plus my other attributes (about which I was also honest) ought to be enough to put me in "above average overall" territory, which you'd think would set me up pretty well for dating.  Sadly, most smart, attractive women seem like they're still waiting for the quarterback to ask them to the prom.

October 11, 2008 3:28 PM

satyendra said:

My husband's average height, too, which is actually pretty good given where he's from - Nepal.  They're a short race.  By the way, Satyendra is his name.

October 11, 2008 4:35 PM