Mwahaha.  Mwahahahahaha!  MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! (Ominous thunderclap.)

(Dictated)

"Mmmm...mmmm...this puppy is so goddam delicious!  Mmmmm.  What?  Oh, hello, and welcome to my column."

"When you look past his love of latex chaps and the Village People, one might find John Edwards appealing."

Actually, I think by way of introduction he'll paraphrase Leonard Cohen's poem about Adolf Eichmann.

All There is to know

about Karl Rove

by Leonard Cohen (and Karl Rove)

Eyes: Medium

Hair: Medium

Weight: Medium

Height: Medium

Distinguishing features: None

Number of fingers: Ten

Intelligence: Medium

What did you expect?

Talons?

Oversize incisors?

Green saliva?

Madness?

"The single reason for which we have not seen a generational realignment of American politics favoring Republican rule is the invariably distorting liberal bias of the mainstream media."

Some might ask me, Karl, why a column?  You've already accomplished so much.  Haven't you done your part to bring about the decline and fall of Western Civilization?  To those people, I humbly reply, Not yet.  Not yet.

"If you thought the guy who made George W. Bush president could compose an well-written, insightful, and informative column on presidential politics, you'd be wrong: I'm just going to smear the bitch and that black guy."

This week, I had the opportunity to interview Senator Barack Obama about his recently introduced Convert All Churches and Gun Shops Into Abortion Clinics and Homosexual Indoctrination Centers Act of 2007.

"Remarkably, Democrats are still enamored with Barack Obama, despite the fact that the senator barely bothers to hide the fact that he has fathered not one, but *two* black children with a black woman."

(FWright- awesome)

Hi, I'm Karl Rove.  You might best know me as the man who conflated terrorism and gay marriage to help re-elect an in-over-his head half-wit despite an overwhelming record of failure and betrayal of his base.   And to you, reader, I ask: what the fuck have you done, huh?  Nothing.  END COLUMN!

"Liberals aren't too happy with this column of mine, but in an effort to show we share some common ground, I'll let them in on this little secret: I can't stand Karen Hughes either."

"Only time will tell how recent studies linking support for Hillary Clinton and genital herpes will affect the Iowa caucuses."

I would like to start out by saying that I wanted to lose in '06.  I thought we as a party had gotten too corrupt and had strayed too far from our core principles, so I brilliantly engineered a loss to get the GOP's attention.  

Yup.  Not a mess-up.  I wanted to.

Yup.

(tumbleweed rolls across)

Hey!  Who put that tumbleweed in my column?!

Everyone knows that George W. Bush has an infectious smile, tons of charisma and really fills up a pair of slacks; what most people don't realize is that the President is also a first-rate intellect who reads at a rate of approximately 10,000 words per minute with more than 99 percent comprehension and has an encyclopedic knowledge of world capitals.

Think for a moment how much has been achieved by conservatives in the last 40 years. The conservative movement has gone from a small, principled opposition to a broad, inclusive movement that is self-assured, optimistic, forward-leaning, Godlike, and dominant.

Four decades ago conservatism was relegated to the political wilderness, surviving in mansions in the Hamptons – and today conservatism is the guiding philosophy in the White House, the Senate, the House, Heaven, Hell (under Cheney's lackey, Satan), and in governorships and state legislatures throughout America.

More importantly, we have seen the great rise of a great cause. Conservatives have achieved a tremendous amount in the past 2 decades – but there is more, much more, that remains to be done. Where some people see a poor young black males, I see the future ditch diggers of America. Where some people see an unwed mother, I see babies being adopted by our increasingly sterile upper classes. Where some people see Middle Eastern basketcases, I see new opportunities for Defense contractors. Together we are articulating a compelling vision of a better world for me and for my family -- and I am grateful to all of you who are making that better world a reality.

"Join me, gentle readers, as I embark on a quest to fulfill a cherished dream: to give Eleanor Clift an intractable case of psychogenic hives."

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jeb...

(These are all very funny so far guys)

Homage to thee, Osiris, Lord of Eternity, King of the gods, whose names are manifold, whose forms are holy, thou being of hidden form in the temples, whose Ka is holy. Thou are the governor of Tattu (Busiris), and also the mighty one in Sekhen (Letopolis). Thou are the Lord to whom praises are ascribed in the Nome of Ati, thou art the prince of divine food in Anu. Thou are the Lord who is commemorated in Maati, the Hidden Soul, the Lord of Qerrt (Elephantine), the Rule Supreme in White Wall (Memphis).

"On the first day God created the Heavens and the earth and the Republican party, whom shall hold dominion over them all."

Gospel according to Rove, verse 1 chapter 1.

Hey hey hey, all you crazy cats and kittens out there!  This is Karl "The K-Man" Rove, comin' at you LIVE from Magazine-Land!  Coming up I rap with Kanye about African-American outreach and how we can put the "G" back in the G.O.P.!  You won't wanna miss it, so keep reading!

When Newsweek asked if I could take time off from my busy schedule administrating King Leopold's Congo Free State, I jumped at the chance.

I would like to use my new position as a columnist for Newsweek to apologize for all the wrongs I have committed in the past.  I know that the world grew worse by the day, nay, by the hour, while I was working in the White House and I must publicly express my deepest regret.  

This will be my first and last column for Newsweek.

I am using this single column to announce my intentions to do good.  From here on I will dedicate my life to helping the world, to community service and to righting all wrongs.  

I will volunteer in Africa.  

I will walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."  

I will be good and do good.  For this, I pledge to my Life, my Fortune and my sacred Honor.  

You will know me by the "R" shield I wear on my chest.  

I would like to use my new position as a columnist for Newsweek to apologize for all the wrongs I have committed in the past.  I know that the world grew worse by the day, nay, by the hour, while I was working in the White House and I must publicly express my deepest regret.  

This will be my first and last column for Newsweek.

I am using this single column to announce my intentions to do good.  From here on I will dedicate my life to helping the world, to community service and to righting all wrongs.  

I will volunteer in Africa.  

I will walk the earth, meet people... get into adventures. Like Caine from "Kung Fu."  

I will be good and do good.  For this, I pledge my Life, my Fortune and my sacred Honor.  

You will know me by the "R" shield I wear on my chest.  

I think we're all competing for second place behind FWright. That said: "The truth? The truth?!? You can't handle the truth!! So, let's dispense with that right away." "Coming next week - grafitti on the restroom walls at MoveOn.org and what it tells us about the LGBT activist insiders say will be Hillary's Secretary of Defense."  

"Forget 'the Architect.'  Forget 'Turd Blossom.'  From now on, call me by the name I use every other Friday at Cobalt -- Karla von Naugahyde."

Having been involved in a few Leaks over the years, I have been assured by the Attorney General that as a Journalsit, I can not be accused of leaking, and I don't have to reveal my sources, even if it's me.

"This is a column by the Great Karl Rove, whose tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries."

Eve Fairbanks-

It seems fairly obvious that the contest is indeed over, and FWright has won (or deserves to win).

So I'd like to use this post to list a few of the things that I miss about the old format (things that perhaps you might use your good influence to reinstate in the new format).

______________________________________________________________________

THINGS I MISS ABOUT THE OLD FORMAT:

1. The number attached to each post in a given thread, which allowed posters to refer back with a great deal more precision to something that had been said earlier in said thread. Which then encouraged extended (and sometimes illuminating) exchanges on a particular point.

2. The ability to italicize a word or words, simply by doing <i>this</i>.

3. The ability to put words in bold, simply by doing <b>this</b>.

4. The ability to underline, simply by doing <u>this</u>.

5. The subject heading for each post (though I confess I often didn't make use of this myself).

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